Some Light in Total Darkness
-“just an incomplete auto-biography from Jenish Manandhar”
At first, when I got the chance to write freestyle without any topic or theme, I wasn’t sure what I would write about, but as I looked inside me, there were a bunch of things I wanted to write about. Some of them were appropriate to write but hard to express in words and some of them were rather inappropriate for a written work, I thought at first, but now as I am writing this or rather, typing this, I ended up with the inappropriate ones.
Now you may all be wondering what exactly are the ‘inappropriate ones’, but it’s quite very simple and very easy for both sides, the reader as well as the writer.
Before I go on typing about these ‘inappropriate ones’, I would like you all, my readers, my audience or my honorable judges, whatever you would like to call yourself at the moment of reading, to note that this is a narrative written work. It’s neither a story nor just any ordinary written work, but it is a confession or sharing of pains and suffering as well as my whole life to this point.
Now, let’s continue from where I left off.
The ‘inappropriate ones’ are actually none other than my feelings. This written work is about my feelings, and about what and how much I have felt in my life to whoever is or was an integral part of my life. I thought that writing about this would be rather, one-sided, to you all as well as to me, but no matter how much I thought or tried to write about something else, the only things coming to my mind were and are my feelings.
Now, let’s start from the main part.
According to what I am told, I was born comparatively smaller and weaker as a child and because of this; I was stolen away from my parents. I was hung in some kind of a glass case for weak children like me and was given oxygen and blood from my father as well as milk from my mother and I really appreciate what they had done to save my life when I didn’t even have the strength to even breathe or drink the milk by myself, but this made things really complicated in my life with my family.
As a child, I didn’t get to feel the touch of my parents and because of that, I feel all the rage flowing through me towards my parents thinking that they didn’t do what they were supposed to do. As I was taken away from them, they should have inquired about what was wrong with me and should’ve at least requested permission to feed me my mother’s milk by themselves and they actually did do all of this and not only that, they freed me from the glass case, but it was already late.
As a baby, I never got to feel the ‘magical’ touch of my parents. Sure, I did get to feel the physical touch of my parents and they did actually free me from the glass case out of love, but the magic in their hands and the capability of both me and my parents to connect with each other, heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul, had already gone.
Now, as I am grown up as a 16 years old, I feel only the rage towards my parents for the fact that they were late in doing what they should have done way earlier. I would like to forgive-and-forget if I could but I never can do it. I will never be happy in this lifetime due to all of this.
There’s another thing, another mistake of my parents, that keeps me from forgiving them and the mistake is that even after getting the chance to alter their first mistake only by the power of their love, they failed in doing that too. Now going in detail, they should have spent more time together with me trying to get to know me, but they didn’t. The only word that comes out of their mouth is ‘money’ and ‘work’ and the only conversation that they initiated is either a request or an order. None of their conversations ever had a meaning to me, but I had to give them some credit, so the only conversation that they initiated by themselves that also had some meaning to me and my life was, “Do you want a pet dog?”
They brought a pet dog that was exactly similar to me, being playful, joking, cheering, friendly, soft and in many other ways, but also by stealing it from its mother. So it knew a similar pain to me and we bonded together. I named it “Sheru” and ‘it’ became ‘he’ for me.
He would always stare at the window looking for his mother, like a doll, without any life to him and with a dead expression, but when I pat him, he brightened up like getting a brother with the exact same pain, and by looking him in this way, I too brightened up and we started to ‘lick’ in a dog’s language, meaning ‘heal’, each other’s ‘wounds’.
So, I am very thankful to my parents for bringing this pet dog, or rather, a true ‘soulmate’, to me but other than that, the rage towards them is still intact in me.
I would really like to forgive my parents for what they had done, but I never could and never can. I was and am a very weak guy knowing that my strength was in only words, but when I try to talk to my parents, they and their ‘physical love’ always deny my words. Even when my words do get through the barrier of their ‘physical love’, my tears and the pain in my heart stop the words from coming out of my mouth. This is why I can never escape from this pain and never forgive my parents and this is also why I am ‘writing’ about this.
I am sorry if this incomplete auto-biography or story of my life became too one-sided but I really needed to express my pain in some way and this is the way that I found out, ‘writing it away’ in an ‘unstoppable flow’.
After writing about all of this, I think I have found some light in all of this darkness and so, I will name this incomplete auto-biography of mine, ‘Some Light in Total Darkness’ rather than ‘All of my Pain and Suffering’ that I thought of at the start. I also recommend you guys to express your pain and suffering in any way possible that truly suits you and not to bottle it up just to let it come out with more pressure and intensity than ever. This story too, turned out to be a moral story and I feel loads better and I also have found my true writing style, ‘moral stories’.
So now, you all know that the advice that I got and shared to you all really does work.
Question answer with Jenish
1. Tell us more about you.
I am Jenish Manandhar and I am currently studying in the 10th grade at Kantipur English High School.
2. What was your thought when you apply to Wordism competition?
I found out about this competition from the Youth Legend Facebook page and I participated in this competition to check and improve my writing skills for my future career.
3. What are your dreams and aspiration?
I have interests in many fields while he are: computer science, photography, writing, product design, and of course writing. So, I hope to acquire jobs relating to all this fields. I particularly want to become a graphic designer involving photography, programmer, hardware designer and inventor and a writer.
4. How do you feel being the Wordism Runner Up of Jestha?
My runner-up article for the wordism competition for the month of Jestha made me realize my own writing style and helped me explore myself.
5. Anything you want to say about who is reading this!
I wrote my true situation and true feelings in my article and this article is
factual so, I want the readers to read the article with attention to detail and I also request my readers to point out any error or mistake that I might have made and to learn from them if any of you are also to start writing.
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