Does Love Mean…? – Anwesha Khadka, Runner Up, Wordism S3, Magh

Does Love Mean …?

Dear dear,

Hey, how are you? Hi! Do you remember the first time we met; we were not even able to introduce ourselves because it invited a disaster. When we met again the often downpour outside and you know how difficult it is to break the ice between strangers. The first time we talked I felt the coldness in your eyes between your switching expressions with a weird smile. I had a happy side talk with my friend, I was not excused when I apologized and ended up sitting next to you for the first time. The second time we had to sit next to each other you still were silent. Hey, was it that difficult to break the ice? I didn’t want to but I couldn’t resist myself from being attracted towards you. I kept counseling myself that this must be the conspiracy of the hormones as I had barely entered my teens.

As time went by your eyes, the coldness in them had disappeared and totally been replaced with something else. With time the way I looked at you changed. Thank god I never had to be embarrassed as you never found out I exchanged quick glances with you. I can’t thank you enough with any words for making me love myself first and develop confidence in me. Me who was always busy finding ways to make myself inferior to others. Sometimes I feel like you are the angel sent in disguise by my grandparents as a blessing. When we had to switch school I didn’t know waving at you unlike every other day would be so difficult. I felt like the angel who was teaching me to ride a bike said he was holding from the back but had left way before. But is it because I remember you more than ever now that I feel everything was the gist of god that I happened to overlook it then. No source of contact it was a total 70s vibe that I was feeling. And when I have finally found you again why am I being a coward to send you a request? My cursor reaches the button to add friend then it stops again and again. Do you know the feeling of being so near yet so far? You don’t, right?

I guess the mouse button must be tired too. What if I had asked you before that what I was feeling for you did you feel it too? I wish I could know it or do I not? Like any other petty human a thought crossed my mind why did you put so much effort in knowing me and cared for me when you were ultimately going to leave? Why did you get my hopes high? Why? I started to blame you for causing mental chaos in my brain. So petty of me!!!

What have you done to me? Even the arrows of cupids that are targeted towards me are thrown away by your shield. How can your aura be so strong? Why do I feel the assurity of finding you amongst the crowd of people when it has been years since we last met? No matter how hard I try your spell seems to neither fade away nor wear off. When the memories that we created are so few why I keep hold on it so tight with the fear I will let go of it and regret it.
I have begged my feelings about more than a thousand times to stop bothering me but they won’t. I feel like I am stuck in the sand which won’t let go of me and keep pulling me inside it. It feels like a cliché but I often lean over the terrace railing watching the moon and stars shining brightly hoping you must be watching it too. It makes me feel obnoxious when it is cloudy and I anxiously wait for the sky to clear. Still when it doesn’t I look at it for a change and it feels like it wants to say something to me but we have the difference of land and sky. If you haven’t forgotten about me I will not move even an inch from where we last left. Can’t you muster up some courage and take a step towards to me?

Sometimes my heart burns with pain with the feeling of emptiness that I feel drunk even by sipping water. Then I feel like I should confront you and say,””Damn! Look at my eyes. Can’t you see the feeling in them? Don’t you feel it at my embracement that I have fallen for you totally and like crazy that even your avoidance keeps me… Ah! Tell me what to do and settle all of this now.”” And then I come back to my senses and reality hits me hard.
What should I do if I never be able to tell you what my true feelings are for you? For all I have done until now is fantasizing things over and over again in my head thinking about us. Hold on! I know the limits. I don’t know about fate nor do I know about my feelings now. If I am thinking right does love me letting go? So what I only know for now is this Valentine’s I am letting go of you. Take care! This is my final wave to you. How strange a wave can mean a warm welcome but can also be a last good bye.

Faithfully yours,
Beloved (not anymore)
Once beloved.


Question answer with Anwesha

1. Tell us more about you.

I am in senior year of high school which is almost about to end. I am in love with reading and writing which are basically my saviours. With time as I am growing I am learning to know more about myself.

2. What was your thought when you apply to Wordism competition?

Every time I write and try to show it to the readers I get butterflies in my stomach it feels as if I have to confess my feelings to someone who shouldn’t hear it.

3. What are your dreams and aspiration?

Everytime this question I remember my past self who thought that being a teacher and a doctor is only a job. But as you grow up your interests know their right way to drag you towards themselves. I wish to try something different as time passes by. Fingers crossed hope to be walking the right way.

4. How do you feel being the Wordism Runner Up of Magh

I am loss at words. I have always felt every piece of writing can be different each time you read it and you keep wishing to upgrade it. But right now all I can say is I am overwhelmed.

5. Anything you want to say about who is reading this!

Don’t try to run away from problems no matter how scary it looks. Confront it and heal your scars on time rather than leaving it open and infecting it.

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