A confession of Software Engineering Student

CONFESSION

When I hear of the word ‘confess’ my mind immediately plots a scene where a man stands in a court telling the truth. Often at times, a confession is related to admitting a fault or a mistake. But this isn’t one of those scary murder confessions I am making let me assure you, I just didn’t have one of those ‘wow’ kind of opening lines that intrigued a reader on the first view yet I’m trying to give you the best I got. But since I now have your attention let me make a confession today.

I am an Engineering student well at the least I’d like to believe that I am. I have been studying Software Engineering for the past year and a half so currently, I’m in my 3rd semester. And it is hard, all of it not just the studies but every part of it. From dragging yourself out of the bed at 6:00 am in the morning to trying to run a code without errors, it all takes a toll on the mind and health. I shouldn’t be complaining I have a lot given to me and am thankful for everything I have- my family, my friends, my surroundings (except the infinite amount of dust that’s been flying around).

But we all lose it all at one point, don’t we?
Now I was a pretty chill person who functioned on zero anxiety and caffeine but this was the year when I had an epic breakdown. And I decided to write this article in hopes that one day I’d be able to look back at this and tell myself

“Wow, you were weird.”

I was a Biology student so obviously, people would raise an eyebrow once they heard that I was studying Software Engineering. “Aren’t you supposed to dissect frogs and study human hearts?” They would ask but No, thank you. These hands are made for the keyboards I would say, not say but think to myself– you see I’m a very shy person who has more conversations with herself.

Anyways socializing part wasn’t that bad in college, everyone’s new trying to make friends, settle in, and know people so it wasn’t a big deal. The worst part of it for me was when we gave our final board exams and I ended up failing about half of the papers I had given. Now I wasn’t one of the bright ones who had good study habits or understood something the second it was read. I had to work hard a bit more for my own well doing but it wrecked a big part of my self-esteem. And it was only the first semester I had seven more to go.

I started questioning everything -what was I doing here or did I even belong in this mass or was I making a mistake studying this subject. My friends would remind me that there were people who had failed more subjects than me and they were pretty chill so why was I worried? But it didn’t help. I would think of what I could rather be doing or what opportunities I have at the moment, I dreamt of even applying to foreign countries. All I wanted at that moment was to drop out of college because I was embarrassed, I felt that I wasn’t good enough or that I was weak compared to my classmates. Nothing seems all right when you’re self-esteem is being dragged down to the mud.

I had made my mind though. That I would drop out of college try IELTS TOFEL or any other thing that I could be doing better. It never occurred to me once that I could just learn from this and work hard the next time, my mind just focused on the part of leaving everything and starting all new.

All of these were in my head. My parents could sense that I was upset, that their daughter wasn’t as talkative as she used to be. They would ask me what was bothering me yet I could never tell

“Dad, Mom I want to leave college. I can’t study this anymore.”

to their faces. Obviously, it would break them and they would try to console me or talk to my teacher about it but at that point, neither of it would work. I was stuck in a hole that dark and deep.

I realized every day I didn’t tell them about my majestic plan of leaving college was a day gone waste. However one night I tried to indirectly link the topic to my dad who was sitting beside me reading something on his phone. I fake a cough and randomly ask him with a straight voice “Dad…do you think I’ll be a good engineer?”

He laughs at me which I thought was nice because I was expecting him to say ‘No, do you?’ And I’d reply with a ‘No’ as well and have a long conversation.

“Do I think?” He goes. “I don’t only think you’ll be a good engineer. I know you’ll be a great engineer. If a guy like me who left his home at 16 with a sack full of rice and potatoes came to Kathmandu with no knowledge- could study, graduate college, get a job, build a house, have a strong family and have an amazing life, I cannot even imagine what a clever and knowledgeable person like you are capable of? You have so much ahead in your ways that you don’t know of.”

All my destroyed self-esteem were now rebuilt, just because of his few words that I would normally roll my eyes at if it were in any other situation. My perspective changed. That was when I realized how much I wanted to study this subject and how much I wanted to be an engineer. I was there that moment to tell him that I wanted to drop out of college and that I had other ideas but I never mentioned even the slightest idea of it to him. Not till this date. That’s the thing about parents. No matter whatever happens in life eventually they’re the one we run into for help and they’re the ones that pull us out of that harmful hole that we never chose to leave.

Now I am happy. I believe in myself and the fact that I will be a good engineer. Not for anyone but for myself. I want to create things, inspire people for the better and make my dad proud of me. Life can be hard at times, handing you many moments where you’d love to quit. But the key is to remind yourself that there is always a purpose hidden in the pain. All the struggles have a reward at the end line. And that’s what should keep you going.

This is my confession. Told you it wasn’t a scary murder confession now didn’t I?

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