Buried Under Confusions- Shishir Aryal, Runner Up, Asadh 2075

Life is something that is difficult to explain. Life is something that has no specific true definition. Nobody can explain what is the purpose of our life. We just live in our own way. We just go with the time. We cope with the problems that we meet during our journey, struggle for name and fame, and ultimately bid farewell to the world. Between birth and death, we undergo innumerable stages of our life. We live our childhood, adolescence period, adulthood and old age. We go through a magnificent number of problems and confusions in our life. Sometimes, we ask ourselves why am I doing this, who am I, why I was given this ‘life’. We are often assaulted by confusions regarding the society where we dwell in, regarding the people who surround us, regarding the natural phenomena, regarding our future, and last but not the least, regarding the purpose of our life.
I am also a traveller who has got a life to live. It has been about 18 years since I first inhaled oxygen from the atmosphere for the first time. At present, I am in my late teens and studying at St. Xavier’s College, Maitighar. Although I am not a matured person, I have been able to analyse the things in my own way. Alike every person, I too have confusions and problems that disturb my mind very often.
The first confusion is related to my future, my career, my aim. I was taught that our life becomes successful and worthy of praise, if we study with full devotion and become doctor, engineer, pilot, scientist or any other so-called high class professions. I was taught only doctors and engineers are happy. And still, we are compelled to read bulky books, believe on what those books say, and just study and study. I don’t understand why everyone should study. I can’t figure out why can’t I become just a common farmer and live a satisfied life. I don’t get why people say that we should earn name and fame. Even I find legendary poet, Devkota’s opinion of having our aim of life something huge as flying to touch the moon faulty. Can’t we have a simple goal, a common aim in our life? We have got a single life to live, don’t know if we will get another life. I am confused, Can’t we just live with our parents happily, do a common job and live our life? Why do other people find this opinion a disgrace? Why do people say I have a low standard of thinking if I ask them about these things?
I am a 18-year old boy. I haven’t engaged myself in love yet. Sporadically, I see a girl and a boy of my age, holding each others’ hand, talking about love and exchanging their feelings of love towards each other walking side by side. And a wave of confusion penetrates my mind and compels my mind to think, “Shouldn’t I have a female friend whom I can share my feelings, whom I can talk for hours and hours and appreciate her beauty and become lost in the world of love?” “Should I confess to the girl whom I love that I love her? “ Or, Should I focus on my study only taking stuffs like these as distractions? I am in a dilemma whether to make a girlfriend or not. I also see some people continuing their love relationship along with their study in a parallel way. People say its just the age factor that is making us inclined towards love, in fact, it’s not the right time to fall into relationship. I am totally confused in this matter.
People say, “Our life is short. So we should sacrifice all our earthly temporary luxuries and work hard to become something in our life. Life is not for enjoyment .” Whereas some people say, “Our life is short. So we should live our life, we should enjoy every moment, and have every sorts of luxury. “ Some people say, “Money is dirt. We should not run after money. We should be satisfied with what we have and never desire to get anything.” Now, I don’t understand, a poor person should be satisfied with his pathetic condition, and regard the cause of poverty as his fortune or bad luck and live his whole life in poverty or dream big, struggle and desire to become a wealthy person?
I love roasted maize. I love it so much that I can eat 3-4 at a time. While returning back from college to home, I always buy two roasted maize from an old lady who sells maize in a cart. I have to wait for a few minutes, until the corns are roasted perfectly. But those minutes make me suffocate. Every second, I pray that no one (my friends) sees me at that time. I feel that eating roasted corns is disgraceful. I think that they will mock me if they see me eating or buying the roasted corns. And sometimes, I ask myself, “Why should I shy? I haven’t done anything notorious. Why should I fear of those people who think unhealthy “Pani puri “ and “Chatpate” as a good food? If they think, to eat roasted corns is ridiculous, then it’s their benightedness not mine.” But also I am confused whether I shouldn’t do that to escape from their scornful behaviour or let them say whatever they say.
I have a sister who is 16 years old. One day, she saw her niece in a short dress on Facebook. She then showed it to mother and showed the desire to have the same dress. But my mother found it indecent and shouted at her saying that she would look vulgar in that dress. My sister said nothing after she scolded her. But the other day, she came to me and asked me, “What is right, brother? “ I instantly realised it was about the discussion that occurred the previous day but I replied, “I don’t know what you are saying. I hadn’t paid attention to your talks with her. I was busy doing my practical work.” I couldn’t figure out what was right actually. I don’t know whether my mom was being old fashioned and conservative-minded or wearing such dress is really not appropriate. I was a bit confused.
Talking about social media, I will make myself pissed if I say something on this matter. I am utterly confused regarding this subject. I check Facebook almost every half an hour. Even though I turn off WiFi and throw the phone a few inches far from my study table, I am not able to reduce my addiction towards Facebook and smartphone. Its also because I have to search information regarding my subject matters on the search engines that gives an excuse to check Facebook. I am perplexed whether to use smartphone or not since it has become a necessary evil.
Confusions won’t cease to chase me. They will always wander around me and I can’t stop them from following me. So I have started to analyze these confusions in my own prospective. Consequently, the level of my thinking and understanding has been soaring up. In a nutshell, I don’t feel unhappy being buried under the confusions, instead I feel delighted to have those confusions puzzling my mind.

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